I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
