you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
