he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
