I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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