Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
