You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
