It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
