If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
