Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
