Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
