she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
