I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
