i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
