I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
