I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
