if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
