PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
