God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
