I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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