New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
