I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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