dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
