i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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