Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
