Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
