I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
