My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
