don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
