I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
