i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
