My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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