You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Randomize
