Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
