I will die if light touches me.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize