my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
