why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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