I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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