she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
