it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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