it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
It's shark week go big or go home
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
