Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
