two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
