I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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