dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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