I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
