just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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