i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
