My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
