You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
