Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
