so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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