Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
