God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize