How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
