He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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