I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
