I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
