i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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