I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
